The Business End of a Dog Named Royal,
and the Barks Who Serve Me
I guess my name is Royal. At least I surmise, because every time either one of the two humans I live with says, “Royal,” they are starring straight at me. I don’t know the humans’ real names. I just listen for “Royal” mostly. But I did name them based on my needs. Every morning when I’m ready for my morning stroll and breakfast, I bark once. The same human comes to my rescue, so I call him One-Bark. This is the human who’s up at the crack of dawn, sitting in front of some cool device typing away. Many times I’ll sit in his lap and rest my head on his arm.
I start interacting with the other human in the afternoon mostly. By then, I’m ready to play and wrestle around the living room. I grab my plastic tug-of-ring and stare straight into the eyes of the other human and give it two barks, meaning, let’s play. He darts across the room after me and, game on! So I call him Two-Barks.
Two-Barks can be so cool at times. He’ll feed me from his plate if I can catch his eye a certain way with a look of pity. I really think it’s payment, however, for all the wrestling matches his loses.
They both call me Royal. But I never knew how many ways there were to say Royal. There’s the call, “ROOOyaaaal!” That lets me know Two-Barks either has a treat for me or wants to get beat at another wrestling match. And then there’s the stern “ROYAL!” - which is usually served with a look of strong disapproval over either an oopsie I made in the house or the kitchen trash…yet again. But I swear there’s always something smelling so good in that kitchen trash! The stern call of “ROYAL!” is always followed by the empathizing One-Bark explaining, “you know better.” To which I always look up at him, my head tilted sideways like, do I?
I also get the stern “ROYAL!” during our evening walks for barking too much or trotting too far ahead of One-and-Two Barks. But I’m just doing my job. When I see the furry creatures darting up tree trunks, I’m trying to catch dinner for all of us. But they wouldn’t understand.
They’re strange. Very strange! When we go on walks they carry these small plastic bags with them. And when I do “ahem” my business, they watch me. Talk about embarrassing, right? And then - brace yourself - they bend down and pick up my business! No barking joke! They do! So I have to spend the rest of the time walking with the business end of a dog named Royal, and the Barks who serve me.
I start interacting with the other human in the afternoon mostly. By then, I’m ready to play and wrestle around the living room. I grab my plastic tug-of-ring and stare straight into the eyes of the other human and give it two barks, meaning, let’s play. He darts across the room after me and, game on! So I call him Two-Barks.
Two-Barks can be so cool at times. He’ll feed me from his plate if I can catch his eye a certain way with a look of pity. I really think it’s payment, however, for all the wrestling matches his loses.
They both call me Royal. But I never knew how many ways there were to say Royal. There’s the call, “ROOOyaaaal!” That lets me know Two-Barks either has a treat for me or wants to get beat at another wrestling match. And then there’s the stern “ROYAL!” - which is usually served with a look of strong disapproval over either an oopsie I made in the house or the kitchen trash…yet again. But I swear there’s always something smelling so good in that kitchen trash! The stern call of “ROYAL!” is always followed by the empathizing One-Bark explaining, “you know better.” To which I always look up at him, my head tilted sideways like, do I?
I also get the stern “ROYAL!” during our evening walks for barking too much or trotting too far ahead of One-and-Two Barks. But I’m just doing my job. When I see the furry creatures darting up tree trunks, I’m trying to catch dinner for all of us. But they wouldn’t understand.
They’re strange. Very strange! When we go on walks they carry these small plastic bags with them. And when I do “ahem” my business, they watch me. Talk about embarrassing, right? And then - brace yourself - they bend down and pick up my business! No barking joke! They do! So I have to spend the rest of the time walking with the business end of a dog named Royal, and the Barks who serve me.